So the first of my best friends got married recently, which was a wakeup call that I am getting older and need to start thinking about getting in a relationship. About a minute later I decided to continue ignoring that wakeup call and continue having fun as I have been doing. I decided to go to the wedding with a good friend from home, we’ll call her Mary, rather than try to take a girl that I was interested in as a genuine “date” (I would highly recommend this because you can say you had a date while you actually get to hit on the single girls at the wedding). Mary and I have never had relations ever and I told her that I was referring to her as my roommate for the night.
After the ceremonies I left the church and started talking to my friend Charlie who informed me that the best looking bridesmaid, Katie, was single and that I had a good chance of getting with her because she was known to be skanky (apparently she returned to the hotel room after the bachelorette party at 7AM the next morning so clearly she is a good target).
Very important sidenote: I hooked up with one of the other bridesmaids (Nancy) a couple years back after telling her a slew of lies including that I saw us becoming a couple and that I really cared about her (none of these things were true obviously. She later told me that she had a rule that nothing could happen below the belt so I have no regrets about these lies.) I was interested to see how that subplot would play out and ended up getting a lot more than I bargained for.
We get to the reception and I end up going out and grabbing 3 30 packs and bringing them back to the hotel. Needless to say after dinner was over we were all very intoxicated and it was only 5:30PM. Things looked like they were about to head downhill when dancing started! I am very white however I get down on the dancefloor. I would give myself a 4/10 in dance skills however I can get the party going with some moves and do not hold back. My exact words to Mary were “I’m going to redefine dancing” and I think I lived up to that promise. After bringing back all sorts of classics (Nelly, Sisqo, Cha Cha Slide) the dancing part concluded and about 25 of us went to the honeymoon suite to drink. It was at this point that I was told by Charlie that there were rumors circulating about me at the wedding and that Nancy had supposedly blacklisted me, telling all the bridesmaids that I was a “manwhore” for lying to her a couple years ago. Jeez some people really hold a grudge. This makes the night much more interesting going forward.
At this point I’m about 12 beers into the day and I start talking to Katie and her friend Lauren (Katie is a 1, Lauren is a borderline 1 even after 12 beers). Katie and Lauren quickly compliment my dancing skills, say I am very handsome, and that they have been waiting to talk with me (I like where this is going). We bullshit for a little while until security comes and breaks up the party due to 17 noise complaints, the three of us leave the party with two other guys and go back to their room.
Sidenote: Katie and Lauren have supposedly had a threesome before so I’m VERY excited as to where this is going.
Double Sidenote: Of the two guys who are coming, one literally has no game and the other has a girlfriend at the wedding who is his date.
We get back to Katie and Lauren’s hotel room and continue drinking for an hour moving from simple conversation to playing some card games. At this point I am absolutely killing it, being charming and funny and basically having Katie and Lauren eating up every word of mine. At this point Lauren and Katie both tell me that they want to go on an adventure (very smart after drinking for 7 hours). Unfortunately, we were about an hour away from any major city in the middle of the woods and completely out of my element.
Me: “Want to go for a walk?” (not very adventurous but its almost 2AM and we are in the middle of a forest)
Me: “There is a lake about a mile away want to go there?” (Probably a horrible idea based on my drunk history near water)
Me: “Um…I saw a basketball hoop outside, want to see if the front desk will lend us a ball?” (Desperate times…)
Girls: “Yeah that sounds like fun!”
For reasons I will never understand, the man at the desk lends us a basketball at 2AM in the morning and we play basketball for 25 minutes. Of course the other two guys are still here at this point and one of them rips his dress pants playing (karma for not leaving 2 hours ago!) and the two girls sit in my car while we play (so adventurous). Finally I convince them all that we should go back and finish the beer we have and they agree.
Post 15 beers I have been known to make horrible choices with girls and I was nearing 20 at this point so I was very scared for myself. After getting yelled at once again by security on our way back to the room, we have a couple more beers as the clock hits 3AM. I am exhausted and hammered at this point so I am looking to make a move as soon as possible. By the grace of God the two other guys finally leave me with the other girls and it is just the three of them at this point, both of whom have already gotten in their beds.
This is all me! Tap it in! Threesomeeeee!!!!
In my mind that is how it played out, however in reality…
Me: “Hey Katie, do you want to go out on the deck and talk for a little” (that pickup line sponsored by the 21 Miller Lites I had consumed)
Katie: “No I’m really comfortable here, I’d rather just cuddle”
At this point a normal 23 year old man would say to himself “Cuddling isn’t a real thing, this chick is DTF.” However, I am an idiot.
Me: “Oh okay, I’m tired too so I’m going to head back to my room”
Katie: (stares at me dumbfounded as I walk out of the room)
About 10 seconds later as I walk down the hall to my room I realize the horrific decision that I made, yet have too much pride to return to their room to try and claw my way back in. I return to my room and try to justify it to Mary, only ending up with “Should I have cuddled? I should have cuddled.”