Cowboy Boots Do Not Belong In Weddings

A few weeks after being dumped on the day I thought I was being proposed to in what I now refer to as ‘the breakup of a century’ (I still wasn’t showering/leaving my sofa at this point) I got a call from one of my good friends and sorority sisters exclaiming that she had gotten engaged. Joy. She and her boo met six months prior, were in a long distance relationship for three months and were now engaged. I wanted to be happy for her but as she finished the proposal story she said “…I just can’t believe it all happened so fast! And guess what?! He got me a 1.5 carat diamond!! Most girls don’t even get 1 carat!” For some reason there was all the sudden a lot of static on my end and I had to hangup. Immediately.

To no one’s surprise the wedding was mostly planned and I was asked to be a bridesmaid. She is one of my closest friends, and I was happy to support her… I was actually friends with the groom-to-be in college before her and I had even met, so it truly was a special occasion. But mayyyyyybe I shouldn’t have been involved.

The first thing she said after I accepted my role as a bridesmaid was that the wedding was going to be outside of San Antonio on a Friday “and it’s great because you won’t have to take any extra time off from work!” Bless her heart, but if weddings are usually on Saturdays and hers is going to be on a Friday… yeah… not following that logic. Oh and wanna know what Friday she chose? THE ONE THAT WAS THE DAY BEFORE ST PADDY’S DAY.

MT & Wife

She also informed me that MT was going to be a groomsman and asked if that was ok with me. Can I say no??? MT, happens to be an ex of mine from college. He graduated two years ahead of me and by the time I was graduating, he had a kickass job, brand new BMW and had bought a house in one of the nicest parts of Dallas… essentially he just needed a wife to complete the picture. MT asked me to move to Dallas and I told him that’s not what I wanted so he broke up with me… fair enough. I admittedly moved on rather quickly (aka same day) and because of that he tells everyone I cheated on him and we haven’t spoken since. He ended up marrying the next girl he dated (a girl from my rival sorority, KJK) and they now have a newborn baby girl. Congrats guys!

I will say, MT is one of the coolest/funniest people ever… but he has to be because he is 5’5″ and weighs 115 pounds. As she was telling me that he was going to be a groomsman, all I could think was – I’m going to the gym everyday for the next six months and I am going to strut my hot ass down the aisle in 6″ stilettos. Bring it MT and KJK Bitch.

My vision was crushed when the next words out of the bride’s mouth were “Oh and this is the best part – I’m going to have y’all in cowboy boots with your dresses!”

I don’t wear fucking cowboy boots.

famous last words….

The next few months consisted of fielding calls from the bride… everything from “Should I wax down there for the honeymoon?” (Ummm yes. For now and forevermore. Amen) to “What song should I walk down the aisle to?” Yeah that definitely didn’t hurt seeing as how I had thought I was going to be planning a wedding at this point in time. I thought about saying “Well I was going to use…oh wait… nevermind” but figured that would be a little too rude.

I also had to find my bridesmaid dress because rather than her just telling us what to get, she wanted us to all feel “just as gorgeous as she did on her big day” by selecting and buying our own dresses. Riiiiiiight. What that means is 1. She’s passive aggressively making me pay for a dress and 2. every dress I texted a picture of in the color she chose that was impossible to find she responded with “Oh that’s really really pretty but it doesn’t really go with what I had in mind.” Of course it doesn’t… you’re having us wear fucking COWBOY BOOTS.

Wedding weekend was upon us. I decided to just go ahead and get drunk the entire time I was there. For the bachelorette night the bride and the rest of the girls wanted to get a hotel room, get dressed up, do Painting With a Twist (look it up), go out to dinner and then have a night in. Oh haaaail no. I got everyone but the brides older sister (DD.. sucka!!) waaaaaaaaasted at dinner and we ended up in skanky black dresses at a dive karaoke bar on a Wednesday night.

You. Are. Welcome. (sorry not sorry)

Rehearsal was a little awkward because it was the first time the entire wedding party was together. I had never met any of the bridesmaids (outside of getting them wasted the night prior) and I was buddies with ALL the groomsmen in college. I did what any girl in my situation would do and wore those 6” stilettos. The first thing MT said was “wow – you got tall.” I responded with a hug and a kiss on the cheek, not because I typically do that… but that’s what hot city girls do, right? I needed to feel validated. KJK Bitch, who I have never formally met, would not take her eyes off of me. Important to note: she’s 5’1” and about 140 pounds. How Why they make babies is beyond me. Anyways, I reached out my hand to introduce myself to her and she straight up walked away. MT, who was obviously enjoying catching up with me, noticed the awkward and just shrugged and carried on with our conversation. After dodging me all night, MT physically drug KJK Bitch over to introduce her to me. I could not have been more pleasant and smiley and friendly towards her, and she was the same towards me… because that’s what us sorority bitches do.

The actual wedding was fine. There was a cocktail hour between the ceremony and the reception… and no booze at the actual reception. WTF. I buddied up with the bartenders by leaning over the bar and saying… “Hey guys – so my ex is a groomsmen and his wife has been staring me down all night… any chance you could help a girl out?” They loved it and kept me [de]hydrated the entire reception… 8 (?) glasses of sangria and 4 (?) glasses of wine later, I owned that dancefloor. Pays to be a hot bitch in distress.

not like it was a difficult dancefloor to own. Let’s play I Spy the single girl…

One of the more noteable moments of the night was being paired up with MT to walk into the reception hall as they introduced the bridal party. As we were standing outside waiting to be called, all the guys were snickering about the awkward situation MT and I were in. Being a bit tipsy (read: wicked drunk), I decided to say what everyone was thinking… “Well this is awkward.” The painful surpressed snickers ended and everyone laughed and started making fun of us. MT looked at me and said “Yeah I requested that we walk in together.” Wtf?? “Just kidding, I actually requested that I not have to talk to you the entire weekend” Sigh of relief. I made my peace by saying “Yeah this is definitely awkward, but in all honesty it really is great to see you and I’m really glad you’re doing well.” Meant it. He agreed and it was our turn to walk in. He insisted that he escort me in on his arm, and I refused to touch him. I resolved the problem by walking in and working the crowd by waving at everyone with both my hands like a fucking celebrity. I may or may not have blown a few kisses. I was told later by the groom’s parents that I was the highlight of the reception. Bam.

After the toast, I went to the bathroom to reset and take a minute to check my makeup and get my gameface back on. Pretty sure KJK Bitch was stalking me because who walks in not ten seconds after me? Her. Straight up cornered me into a convo (in the bathroom, mind you) with no one to rescue me. Some of my favorite comments of hers were “It’s weird we never met in college.. I didn’t even know who you were.” Yeah… real weird. “I guess it’s because I really only hung out with KJK officers.” Congrats. You’re so cool. “If you would have told me in college I was going to marry MT I would have laughed in your face.” Because that’s what all spouses love to hear. She just fulfilled every KJK Bitch stereotype in the book.

I finally got an out of my convo with KJK Bitch when the Bride came rushing into the bathroom to pee and needed help holding up her dress. Because this is my life we’re talking about here.

I’d like to end my post with a picture, because my thousand words are up: