Rebuttal: Middle Names on Facebook

Ryan recently posted about his frustration with girls using their middle names on Facebook and how it makes these random bar girls he meets unsearchable.  Trust me, it’s to your benefit.  Let me be the first to tell you that if a girl uses her middle name rather than her last name on Facebook, she’s crazy… RUN!  This is a bigger red flag than an off-center tramp stamp.

As a female, I’m going to give you three reasons why girls use the first-middle name on Facebook:

1. (This one’s legitimate) She genuinely has some kind of following.  Whether she be a hot news anchor, an artist, professional photographer… her name is up in a public setting and she doesn’t want creeps stalking her.  The only experience I have with this is a friend who is an extremely gorgeous musician in LA and dated Matt Leinart the year he won the Heisman Trophy (I’m old, we’ve already established this).  She went to the first-middle name on Facebook for a legitimate reason – she developed a following.  Listen up boys, there’s no way in hell you’re meeting girls like this on a Saturday night in your home bar… this is an extremely rare exception.

Onto the more likely reasons:

2.  She thinks she’s way hotter than she is.  Her Facebook page is going to be filled with angle flattering profile pictures that have been filtered 437 times in Instagram.  She assumes she has a following and assumes she needs to be unsearchable.  If she wants to be unsearchable… there’s a privacy setting for that.  I guarantee you are going to spend more time assuring her that you think she’s pretty than actually getting laid. 

3.  She has multiple lives and is “hiding” her life (read: has the crazy eyes).  For some reason she doesn’t want her entire hs class to see pics from the family get togethers and she doesn’t want work friends seeing drunken college pics and doesn’t want family members reading the racy wall posts.  To this I say… rather than hiding behind a first-middle name, she could just not be stupid on Facebook; don’t do things (or rather.. document things) that you don’t want the world to know.  It’s the internet, the world will find it if they look hard enough.

The irony in all of this is… the first-middle name girls are typically the ones that will hunt you down on Facebook and ‘friend’ you after having a .4 second conversation at the house party of your cousin’s best friend’s sister’s boyfriend.  She’s crazy I tell you and you’re way better off.  So the next time you realize you can’t stalk your target on Facebook because she’s a first-middle name girl… be glad and move along.  You just dodged the crazy train.

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6 thoughts on “Rebuttal: Middle Names on Facebook

  1. This was rather hilarious! I have found number two to be the case in many a scenario. That, or they are too busy pretending to be different and edgy with their ‘no last name’ to realise that it’s just annoying.

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