I Went To Buy A Mattress And Got The Salesman Instead

As you may not be aware… Labor Day is the best time to buy a mattress.  My BFF Mego was in town for the holiday weekend and rather than showing off the real-life paradise I now live in… I took her to go mattress shopping with me.  Because that’s the kind of friend I am.

The second place we went to was Macy’s; we walked in to a nearly empty showroom and a bunch of dirty display mattresses.  Gross.  I was greeted by a nasty looking old woman who asked what I was looking for.  After I gave her an idea of what I wanted and my price point she directed me to an even nastier old woman with smokers breath, wrinkled lips, bad makeup and tight leopard print top.  Nastier old lady showed me one mattress (that I didn’t like) and walked away.  Great.

Mego and I tend to have fun wherever we go, so we used this opportunity to try out the mattresses that I could never afford.  A few mattresses later, Hot Mattress Salesman (HMS) came over to us and asked if I had been helped.  Mego took this as her cue and wandered away texting… love her.  I did the infamous secret thumb point to the nasty old woman saleswoman on her phone texting behind the counter and said… Eh.  Kinda.  He proceeded to help answer a million questions I had, which included “Ok, so if I’m being quite honest… I think this place is gross and I really like a mattress at the place across the street… do you have any advice for me to negotiate the price down with them? Is that possible?”  Really?? Who does this?  I do.

He loved it.  I tried to stick to business but he kept getting off topic and we ended up joking around a bunch – totally hitting it off.  Let’s be real, I could care less if a mattress is made with a soy byproduct and has cool action gel foam… but I continued to ask mattress-esque questions because he was that cute.  Do you know how difficult it is to find questions to ask a mattress salesman without turning it into a pickup line????  Try.

me and mego — bffs. not lesbians.

Finally, he looked at me and goes “So are you two… ummm…” and nodded in Mego’s direction.  It was extremely unfortunate timing for my best friend, who I am not a lesbian with, to be laying in a vibrating bed waving to me as she was on the phone giggling.  When I saw this, my jaw dropped and I immediately stammered “No.  No no… no.  Noooo. No” about 46 times.  His follow up question was – “So then, do you have a boyfriend.”  Not expecting that.  My defense and quick wit kicked in and responded with a “NO…. do you?!”  Essentially the 26-year old equivalent of IKNOWYOUAREBUTWHATAMI… real smooth Sarah.  Apparently he liked my defensive wit and followed up by asking for my number.  Wow.  One minute I’m a snobby lesbian that won’t lay on your dirty mattresses and now I have become a desirable 1?  How did I do this??

I noticed the nasty sales woman eyeing us at this point so I said “You’re at work and I’m pretty sure your friend over there wouldn’t be too pleased (secret point to the nasty old woman)…. how ‘bout I take your business card and I’ll be in touch.”  SO SMOOTH!!! Again, how did I do this?!  I didn’t even have Ryan there coaching me!!!  His advice is paying off 🙂 HMS appreciated the thoughtfulness, handed me his business card, Mego [eventually] got out of the vibrating bed and we left the store.

Story’s not over, because this is my life.  Mego lost his business card.  The one time I’m actually good at flirting and actually want to go out with a guy that actually asks me out… BAM.  Wrench.

I was disappointed, but not devastated.  Mego on the other hand, knowing my horrible luck with guys was devastated on behalf of me and felt terrible and entirely responsible.  We did some internet stalking when we got home that night… she was able to find his parents’ address (WTF, internet?!) but no Facebook, no LinkedIn, no bio on the Serta Mattress website… it was a lost cause… what am I going to do – drive by his parents’ house and throw pebbles at his window?  Forget it.

The next morning, we woke up and went to purchase a mattress from the first place, which happens to be across the street from the Macy’s where HMS was the previous day.  Mego wanted to go in to Macy’s and see if he was there but 1: He doesn’t work for Macy’s.. he goes from store to store checking in Serta mattresses.  2: Even if he was there… what am I going to do?!  Crawl in on my hands and needs begging for a second chance with his business card?? Not happening.

Caught in the moment of needing apartment stuff, Mego convinced me to go to Macy’s using the pots/pans and dishware Labor Day Sale as the incentive.  Since I knew he wasn’t going to be there, I agreed.  As I got deeper and deeper into the chaos that is the Kitchenware section, Mego “stepped outside to ‘take a call’”  She is a liar.  What she actually did was run upstairs to see if she could get HMS’ number.  AND SHE DID!  From some random woman that had his card behind the sales counter.  What a wingman… love her (just as a friend).

I went into full on Sarahs-a-girl mode and drafted a long text explaining the details of how Mego lost his card, Macys, kitchenware, blaaaaah blah blah but then remembered Ryan’s text advice… “less is more” and reminded myself it had been less than 24 hours since our initial encounter.  My text to HMS said, “Hey it’s Sarah – Pretty sure your day is going to be crazy but wanted to say hey and pass off my number so we can get together sometime!”  Ryan is a godsend.

We had a date this weekend.  Whaddup!  It was fun and assuming I stay away from my Jamaican accent texting tendencies there will at least be one more date.  Maybe he will want to come check out the actual mattress I purchased and make sure the cool action foam gel is up to standard 😉 Jokes.  I told you… the pickup lines are too easy!