The worst thing about me graduating from a college that had a 60/40 guy to girl ratio is that whenever you are out at a bar and you see girls from that school you are always drawn to them. This really makes no sense whatsoever since I hit on them for four years already and weeded out most of the good ones, but this is my life. For some strange reason I always find myself gravitating over to the girls from my school despite the fact that I know that the vast majority of them are evil spoiled brats who have no soul (maybe a bit of a hyperbole). I could be treading water in a sea of talent and always end up wading through the smokes to the sirens on the shore. Last night was a clear cut example of this.
As I made my journey home from a hard day at work I quickly noticed the abundance of beautiful women walking the streets of my city. Clearly school was back in session and my aspirations of going for a run and being a responsible adult were going out the window. Had to make it a big Thursday night.
The plan for the night was for my friends and I to make our way to a local bar that is always filled with college girls. Unfortunately, going here I realized that a ton of girls from the grade below me would most likely be frequenting this bar now that they had graduated and moved over to the city. Super. I text one of them named Jane and she confirms that she and her friends will be going to that bar tonight. I send back a “Great, can’t wait to see you!” with the most scornful undertones imaginable (we need an app for that).
I made it over to my buddy Dave’s apartment to start our night of debauchery (a Thursday sized portion) and started to crush brewdogs on his back deck. We started talking about various kids that we went to college with when someone mentioned a girl I’ll refer to as Crazy Cathy. Apparently Cathy was a Stage 5 clinger to one of our friends back in the day and sent a multitude of texts to him after they had a one night stand. My favorite interaction that happened was when she said “you’re not one of those guys who is going to ignore me after this are you?” to which he responded “of course I am!” Honesty is the best policy folks.
Sidenote: The next paragraph will make much more sense if you’re familiar with The Binary Scale
After a few beers on the deck we make our way over to the night’s destination and get a comfy seat up front. This seems like a good idea at the time since we can see everyone in line and scout the talent. It turns out to be an awful idea because, you guessed it, Crazy Cathy and her friends show up. Greattttt. Cathy is accompanied by a brunette (classic .4) and a smoke blond (clear 1) and of course the .4 sits next to me (their effort levels are truly admirable). After listening to a terribly painful 20 minute conversation about the PR industry my friend Jane shows up with her boyfriend and a mystery girl. Unlike the .4, Mystery girl did not go to my college and is a clear cut 1. At this point smoke blond (SB) is talking to one of my friends so she is effectively dead to me and the .4 is going on and on about how little money she makes (Cue Dumb & Dumber “I don’t careeeeeeeee”) so I’m desperately searching for an escape route.
I go over and talk to Jane and her friend Denise (mystery girl) for a while and find out that she is working to become a doctor, training for a marathon, and is also really down to Earth. This is when the vortex strikes. After five minutes of talking to her I decide to go back to the .4 because, as we know, the scale changes as the night goes on. Much like a cocoon transforming into a beautiful butterfly, this .4 has sprouted her wings and become a .5 therefore making her a 1. Fantastic. As the beers and G&T’s flow I continue talking to the former .4 and am realizing by the second that all she wants to talk about is my job and her lack of money. Meanwhile, Denise is just sitting with Jane at her table chatting, the perfect opening for me. The vortex is strong.
Sidenote: At this point Crazy Cathy is STILL vulturing around the table speaking to Dave. He didn’t text you back two years ago. He doesn’t want to talk to you now. Move downnn the bench.
At this point Dave starts sending me mixed signals like a good friend should. However, the vortex has conquered me.
Dave: Hey man you should keep talking to Denise she seems like she has her shit together and is real cool.
Vortex Ryan: I don’t know man, I think I’m going to hit on (the former .4) I think it would probably be a lay-up, all she keeps talking about is that she gets to work at home tomorrow (essentially a sex invitation).
Dave: Well okay man, give it another beer and then see how it goes.
At this point its like 12:30 AM and I have work in 8 hours. It’s time for self-destructing Ryan to come out.
SD Ryan: So what are you up to after the bar?
Former .4: I think I’m going to back to my apartment with Crazy Cathy and smokeshow blond and go to sleep.
SD Ryan: Well then alright. (yeah, that’s the attempt I gave)
Case closed. Book ’em Danno. Cash Bar. Whatever cliche movie ending you want to use would be appropriate at this point because it was overrr. Time to leave. As I leave the bar and make my way home I was pretty annoyed since I had a cool hot girl in Denise just sitting there begging for attention and I got sucked into the vortex by hitting on the lets-be-realistic-shes-a .4 all night. Damn you Crazy Cathy!! On a good note, I did not burn the bridge and there’s always next Thursday to atone for my mistakes…