Single via Spider-Shoe-Felony

“I don’t really mind spiders” … said no one ever.  We all hate them, I know… and it’s safe to say all females are terrified of them.  I am no exception.  Something that sets me apart from those with a rational fear of spiders is my [extremely irrational] fear of killing all bugs (spiders included); Lord knows if you kill a bug all their friends are going to find out, band together and attack you in the shower.  Will ANYONE back me up on this??  I digress.  There is this King Spider that built a web between the ceiling and railing of the balcony at my apartment… it’s been five days now.  Rather than kill King Spider, I knock the bottom off his web everytime I come/go to save myself from the vengeance of his spider army and also give him the subtle hint that he’s not welcome there.

Last night I had dinner plans (date? Maybe.) with Guy Friend.  ((Important sidenote: Guy Friend is on best friend status and has been out of town for the past month and a half; we’re trying to figure out if we’re just friends or if we want something more, so I was hoping we could work on that definition over dinner)).  He called and said he was close, and has also never been to my apartment; I went outside on my balcony so I could flag him down when he pulled in.  As I stood on my balcony waiting for Guy Friend my a.d.d. kicked in and I started looking at King Spider; he had at least doubled in size since yesterday.  Who knows how big he’d get if I didn’t stop him now.  Is he a mutant King Spider?  Well… Boredom + Imagination + Fear kicked in and it was time to take action against King Spider and his hidden army.

I removed my flip flop and cocked my arm back.  I swatted at King Spider in mid air and pretty sure I launched him into my neighbor’s yard.  What I also launched was my shoe… off the balcony.  Cue Guy Friend walking up…… now.

Rather than a ginormous leaping neck-hug (which would be typical of me), he walked up to me leaning over my balcony railing chanting “Shit. Shit. Shit. My shoe… shit!”  He asked if I was ok and I shoo’d him away (not ‘shoed’ away… that was the spider…. Badum chhhh) as I continued my shit shit shoe chant.  I bombed past him on the stairs only to realize that not only had I dropped by shoe off the balcony… it was inside my first floor neighbors’ gated patio.  Great.  The neighbors weren’t home, but for some reason their patio lock was off… I opened the door and peeked in to see if I could see my shoe.

At this point, Guy Friend was done being offended by my less than enthusiastic welcome and decided to see what I was looking for.  As I opened the patio gate all he would say is “Sarah, this is a felony.  You can’t do this… I can’t be a part of this.”  A felony?? Really?  He has some super important top secret government job and uses “I’d lose my security clearance if I did that…” a little too often if you ask me.  He’s ridiculous – what are they going to say in the police report? Girl drops shoe over balcony while trying to kill King Spider and is charged with…. entering?  Get real.

I snuck in to the patio and he just stood back keeping watch, if you will.  My shoe was no where to be found.  I leaned over the ratty patio sofa and saw a full on dirt pit behind the sofa, which OF COURSE is where my shoe landed.  I asked Guy Friend to step in and get it because his arms are much longer than mine and I couldn’t reach it.  He refused and was anxiously looking around so he could bail on me should the neighbors come home.  Oh bother.  I leaned over the sofa head first with my feet in the air at a -60 degree angle and baaaaarely reached my shoe.  GOT IT!

I walked out of the patio with both shoes on, jumped to give Guy Friend a neck hug and said “Welcome home!  So how was your trip???”  Needless to say, any chance I had of this dinner being a date or relationship turning into something more than friends was totally shot…  we had a good time but I still have no idea why I’m single…. Haha 😀

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7 thoughts on “Single via Spider-Shoe-Felony

  1. Well S, dah’ling, two things to remember next time you encounter spider royalty: A) I’m a freakin’ spider-killing ninja. And if by ninja I mean I either have my husband do it, or squeal around a little until I find a shoe and then say, “oh gross!!” don’t judge me. The secret is to trap them under a clear glass so no one can hear their screams, before you bring down the Manolos. (Kidding – I’d never besmirch Manolos like that, and I could never afford Manolos.) B) Try hairspray. I got this tip from a fellow ninja. She claims that using hair spray on a spider immobilizes it and prevents any baby spiders on it’s back from fleeing. I have yet to test this approach but when I do, I’ll let you know how it goes.

  2. Pingback: I Support Our Troops [by being their date] | Can I Get Ur Number?

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