“I don’t really mind spiders” … said no one ever. We all hate them, I know… and it’s safe to say all females are terrified of them. I am no exception. Something that sets me apart from those with a rational fear of spiders is my [extremely irrational] fear of killing all bugs (spiders included); Lord knows if you kill a bug all their friends are going to find out, band together and attack you in the shower. Will ANYONE back me up on this?? I digress. There is this King Spider that built a web between the ceiling and railing of the balcony at my apartment… it’s been five days now. Rather than kill King Spider, I knock the bottom off his web everytime I come/go to save myself from the vengeance of his spider army and also give him the subtle hint that he’s not welcome there.
Last night I had dinner plans (date? Maybe.) with Guy Friend. ((Important sidenote: Guy Friend is on best friend status and has been out of town for the past month and a half; we’re trying to figure out if we’re just friends or if we want something more, so I was hoping we could work on that definition over dinner)). He called and said he was close, and has also never been to my apartment; I went outside on my balcony so I could flag him down when he pulled in. As I stood on my balcony waiting for Guy Friend my a.d.d. kicked in and I started looking at King Spider; he had at least doubled in size since yesterday. Who knows how big he’d get if I didn’t stop him now. Is he a mutant King Spider? Well… Boredom + Imagination + Fear kicked in and it was time to take action against King Spider and his hidden army.
I removed my flip flop and cocked my arm back. I swatted at King Spider in mid air and pretty sure I launched him into my neighbor’s yard. What I also launched was my shoe… off the balcony. Cue Guy Friend walking up…… now.
Rather than a ginormous leaping neck-hug (which would be typical of me), he walked up to me leaning over my balcony railing chanting “Shit. Shit. Shit. My shoe… shit!” He asked if I was ok and I shoo’d him away (not ‘shoed’ away… that was the spider…. Badum chhhh) as I continued my shit shit shoe chant. I bombed past him on the stairs only to realize that not only had I dropped by shoe off the balcony… it was inside my first floor neighbors’ gated patio. Great. The neighbors weren’t home, but for some reason their patio lock was off… I opened the door and peeked in to see if I could see my shoe.
At this point, Guy Friend was done being offended by my less than enthusiastic welcome and decided to see what I was looking for. As I opened the patio gate all he would say is “Sarah, this is a felony. You can’t do this… I can’t be a part of this.” A felony?? Really? He has some super important top secret government job and uses “I’d lose my security clearance if I did that…” a little too often if you ask me. He’s ridiculous – what are they going to say in the police report? Girl drops shoe over balcony while trying to kill King Spider and is charged with…. entering? Get real.
I snuck in to the patio and he just stood back keeping watch, if you will. My shoe was no where to be found. I leaned over the ratty patio sofa and saw a full on dirt pit behind the sofa, which OF COURSE is where my shoe landed. I asked Guy Friend to step in and get it because his arms are much longer than mine and I couldn’t reach it. He refused and was anxiously looking around so he could bail on me should the neighbors come home. Oh bother. I leaned over the sofa head first with my feet in the air at a -60 degree angle and baaaaarely reached my shoe. GOT IT!
I walked out of the patio with both shoes on, jumped to give Guy Friend a neck hug and said “Welcome home! So how was your trip???” Needless to say, any chance I had of this dinner being a date or relationship turning into something more than friends was totally shot… we had a good time but I still have no idea why I’m single…. Haha 😀