“I really wanted to hook up with you, but I think that you should hook up with my friend…”
So this blog post is going to have a less traditional format since I want to sort of Tarantino my way to that sentence.
“I really wanted to hook up with you, but I think that you should hook up with my friend…”
A couple weeks ago a girl named Amy asked me to go with her to a concert. It was for a less popular “hip” group that she was a big fan of. I had come very close to getting with her at a house party before passing out early (one of three times this happened this summer [shameful]) and figured a $20 concert was a worthwhile investment in seeing if I could get with her. Mario had hooked up with her in the past so I figured that it would be a possibility that could happen relatively easy if I followed through (read: not get blackout).
Amy came over before the concert and had a couple beers with me. I could tell things were probably headed in the right direction as we finished a pitcher and she said “I’m probably going to be really drunk after we finish this.” Alrighty then. We went back into the concert and had another couple beers and she started telling me that we should meet up with a friend of hers in the next town over. This would be moving even further away from her part of town so I figured this was a good sign for me.
During the concert while Amy was in the bathroom I got a text from Jane (see Sucked into the Vortex) saying that she was at a bar down the street with Denise (cute girl who I passed up last time because I am dumb) and that I should come by. Interestingly enough, this was the same bar that we met at last time. Surely, I couldn’t screw that same scenario up two times in a row? Just will keep that in my back pocket for now.
Wasn’t in bed and don’t look kind of like Blake Griffin, but you get the picture
Amy came back out onto the dance floor and I tried to make some subtle moves on her which were semi-shut down (just not really responded to). She was making half moves towards me so I began to get bored and think more of the Jane/Denise opportunity down the road. Fast forward to the end of the concert and Amy and I are both pretty drunk:
Amy: Hey so I can’t get a hold of my friend would you want to go party in [her part of town].
Ryan: Eh, no thanks I think that I’m going to stick around these parts that’s kind of far (and the other girls are really close).
Sidenote: Traveling an hour and paying $60 round trip for a much less than sure thing is not on my agenda despite my history with cab rides.
Amy: Okay cool, lets walk back to your house and then my friend will meet me there and we’ll go back to my apartment (how does that make sense?)
Ryan: Sure sounds good (????)
We start walking back and unprovoked, Amy drops the bomb that led the story.
“So when we first met I realized that I really wanted to hook up with you, but I think that you should hook up with my friend because you guys would be a better match. Aren’t I such a good friend?”
That’s right McCauley, what is she doing?!
Wait what? Why did I just wait Turns out her friend was the one that she couldn’t get a hold of, so this whole thing was kind of a set up. Like any self-respecting male would, I asked to see her on FB and she was a clear .4 based on her pictures which is never a good sign.
Other Sidenote: What kind of magic voodoo trick do girls do on their profile pictures. There must be some kind of hidden Instagram button that makes girls skinnier, have less acne, and radiantly glow wherever they are. Never trust a girl’s profile picture!
Long story short, I headed over to the bar to meet up with Jane & Denise and I was faced with another decision: do I hook up with Denise or Teal Blouse Girl (TBG). I started hitting on both of them at once (literally the worst strategy ever) and then went to the bar to get a drink, had an epiphany at the bar that I was making the same mistake I did in the Vortex story, and decided to just hit on Denise. While I was gone some random bro started hitting on TBG so I didn’t have a choice but to go after her.
Yet Another Sidenote: There was no question when it came to TBG that she was wearing massive quantities of makeup and was actually a .4. She definitely was not born with it, it was Maybelline.
This is cheating
Left the bar with a whole group, me & Denise, TBG & random bro, Jane & boyfriend and went over to Denise’s apartment conveniently located two minutes from the bar and five minutes from my apartment. We are hanging out and it is quickly obvious that TBG is PLASTERED. Great call Ryan. Furthermore TBG was realizing that she made the wrong decision and said “Wait Ryan can’t stay here we’re leaving!!” Haha, silly girl. Ended up hooking up with Denise and kind of making up for completely screwing it up the previous time (progress!) and potentially have a really cute girl living down the road for future endeavors (convenience!). For every ten failures, it’s nice to have one win.
Can I Get Ur Number? 