It’s taken me a while, but for all of you that are dying to know… I have officially decided that I am no longer interested in Guy Friend. I know, it was a good run… (we’ve been good friends for close to two years!) but the process of disinterest all started with a fart joke. Because those are the standards I have.
It was a Sunday afternoon and I extended an invite to Guy Friend to have lunch with my brother, the Married Friends and their three kids. I know, I know… it sounds lame but it would only takes you 15 seconds with us to realize that we’re the most entertaining people on the planet. Really I was doing Guy Friend a favor by letting him tag along!
The scene was pretty typical: kids fight over who gets to sit next to me, I stand there until the kiddos decide which chair is mine, Married Friends reprimand kids for fighting, I sit, the two-year old cries, napkins are unrolled and demolished, I lean over and teach the four year old something their parents don’t find out about until they’re at the dinner table without me, the seven year old makes a concoction of the appetizer food/anything she could find on the table, I eat it (because that’s what awesome aunties do) and gag at the amount of salt she puts in it…. pretty much all is right in the world.
Until I noticed that Guy Friend had yet to say two words… not even to the kiddos! Alright, I get it… it takes a bit to adjust out of yuppie-hood into family/kids/burbs… but Guy Friend is the second eldest of eight kids in his immediate family and has who knows how many nieces and nephews! In no way would I have ever considered this some kind of ‘test’ but I will say that I was sincerely disappointed in his [lack of] performance, which also led me to become rather self conscious of my interactions with the kiddos. I would much rather have preferred something along the lines of one of my favorite date stories ever, the museum date)
Anyways. It was awkward.
Married Friend-Husband noticed Guy Friend hadn’t said a word (read: was being wicked awkward), so he took a moment from being Awesome Dad and joking around with everyone to step into adult mode and integrate Guy Friend into conversation. He went with the easy adult small talk…
MF-H: So Sarah tells me you [do this in the military], that seems pretty cool. (obviously just being polite)
Guy Friend: Yeah. It’s a lot of work but I like it.
MF-H: So tell me how [something awesome] works. (didn’t take the bait so continuing to be polite)
Guy Friend: **LOTS OF DOUCHEY COMMENTS THAT ARE WAY OVER EVERYONE’S HEAD AND PEOPLE ARE LOSING INTEREST** (how did he not take the context clue that MF-H was just trying to get him to talk!? We get that you have an MBA from Stanford… but loosen up a little!)
MF-H (the only one attempting to follow douchey comments): That’s badass! So how does [something elementary] work with [what you just said].
Guy Friend: **MORE DOUCHEY COMMENTS AND BIG WORDS**
I cannot even being to tell you how this related, but the next comment out of MF-H’s mouth was…. “Wait, so what if there’s a guy that farts.. like… all time time… do you have to [get rid of him]?!?!?!”
Married Friend-Wife, myself and Brother died laughing. What made it even more hilarious was it totally was a relevant question… and one that I would be really curious to know the answer to! As embarrassing as it may be, my 32 year old brother happens to take fart jokes to a whole new extreme… off he went. The next five minutes were spent making up military acronyms from the letters F-A-R-T among other things and Guy Friend was none too pleased. Come to find out later… Guy Friend was actually offended. What?
Now don’t get me wrong… I personally will not endorse talking about bodily functions and find it entirely disgusting/inappropriate (ESPECIALLY in mixed company, ESPECIALLY at the table!), but when majority rules, majority rules… sometimes you just gotta go with it. It was in this moment that I realized I could never seriously date Guy Friend… between the things my brother and cousins post on my Facebook wall, my mother peeing her pants at quite literally every family gathering, and my 85 year old Granny putting Bean-O on the table next to the salt and pepper shakers (I wish I was kidding)… Guy Friend would never fit in.
So there it is… that was the spark that ignited the fire which caused me to lose interest in Guy Friend. I can’t say it’s the most harsh ruling I’ve ever made against a guy…
I went out with this guy a couple times and was getting excited until he took me to a Red Sox game and told me he had to Google who sings ‘Sweet Caroline’ (they play it every game in the 8th inning) ….. Neil Diamond happens to be my favorite singer/songer writer of all time and is a musical genius. Next.
Another guy I had developed an interest in told me he had never seen Dumb and Dumber. You’re 26 and haven’t seen Dumb and Dumber?! I don’t care that you were a decathlete for Notre Dame, have a kick ass job designing running shoes for [a prominent athletic brand] and were an Abercrombie model through college… I need you to love my boys Lloyd and Harry!
And these are my standards for guys. From this post you’re probably just as confused as I am as to why I’m single.
Big Gulps huh guys? Alright. Welp! See ya later!