Meet The Fam: My Texas Thanksgiving

I am a city girl through and through.  Exhibit A: In high school I was at a farm and yelled “THAT’S THE BIGGEST SHEEP I’VE EVER SEEN!!!!” It was a llama.  Exhibit B: When I was a kid, our neighbors across the street had a horse and I loved riding it when they brought it outside!  It was a Great Dane (large dog).  You can only imagine the culture shock I faced when I decided to go to undergrad in Small Town West Texas.  I had an awesome time in college, and the bonus was that my extended family is all from somewhere in Texas so I became really close with all of them.

The biggest takeaway from my four years with the fam was that they quite literally fulfill every Texas stereotype you could imagine…  My Uncle is bow-legged.  My grandfather has two teeth and once hooked his mule up to a covered wagon (that he built himself) to go panning for gold.  My Granny poked holes in a coffee can, hung it in a tree and fed the hose into it so my grandfather could ‘shower’ [(naked) in the backyard] before coming in for ‘supper.’  I digress.  For some reason they ALL decided to move to Small Town West Texas after I graduated… aunts, uncles, grandparents, mother, cousins… everyone.  Thanks guys, love you too.

In all seriousness, I totally love my crazy Texas family, but me ‘going home’ for the holidays makes Sweet Home Alabama look like a walk in Central Park!  It also could be a huge reason as to why I’m single… I’m terrified to bring any guy home to meet them!  So I’m going to use you guys as guinea pigs here and I’m trusting that you’ll tell me just how bad it is… or at least offer up some of your crazy family stories to make me feel better!!

Here is the Thanksgiving post I did from my other blog about our family’s Thanksgiving last year:

Even though I don’t claim Texas as my own, I love my goofy Texas family and will absolutely claim them a hundred times over.  They tend to be about as far from “politically correct” as possible, so please extend the benefit of the doubt that they are the sweetest people you will ever meet that just happen to say some goofy things… bless their hearts.

This is a bird’s eye view of my college campus as I flew in… it’s a happening place, can’t you tell!?  That’s probably why all the stoplights flash red (or yellow, depending on the intersection) at 9p every night.

This was the scene when I walked into my aunts house… the boys, bellies out watching football. LOVE THEM

My eldest cousin (who is named after John Denver) lives in Arkansas with his family and wasn’t able to make it in for Thanksgiving.  Uncle Jimmy had one of those ‘new phones’ so Denver called him on FaceTime to say hello to the fam.  We Texans are always so impressed with technology these days, we passed the phone around and each said yelled hello to Denver’s face.

Uncle Jimmy and Uncle Ray wanted to talk to Denver’s precious 4-year old daughter so he put her on FaceTime.  She started talking away and white-haired Uncle Jimmy leaned over to deaf Uncle Ray and whispered “what’d she say??” as if she couldn’t see them.  Uncle Ray responded “I have no idea” but they continued to smile and make goofy grandpa faces into the phone.  Uncle Ray leaned in with his ‘good ear’ to try to hear her better… simulating the use of a normal telephone.  Kyle felt for poor his poor little niece who was now staring at her Pa-Paw’s ear so without second thought, he grabbed the remote control to Uncle Ray’s hearing aids off the end table (yes – his hearing aids have a remote control) and turned up the volume.  Totally normal.

Granny’s house was decorated for fall to max. This decor pretty much sums up our weekend:

Here is a snapshot of our very southern Thanksgiving meal…

You’ll notice there are not a lot of greens on that table.  Rest assured, the greens you do see are likely covered in butter and/or bacon and/or are fried.  As said at every family gathering “If you go home hungry, it’s your own fault.”

Grady sat at the end of the table and I talked him into taking a group picture… now… Grady is not known for his enthusiasm towards traditional family things… family pictures included. So when we heard him yell “Mom!! Get in here!! Group photo!!” we all died laughing… captured here.

In case you can’t see my face in this.. let’s go ahead and zoom in, shall we?

This face got passed around the table. Everyone was in tears and I now have a new nickname in my family that I will not repeat, because it happens to be extremely NON-pc… this was the topic of our entire Thanksgiving dinner conversation.
Below is a snapshot of my (first) plate. Incredible. In case you can’t tell… we have smoked turkey AND ham… also, I have no problem loading up – the turkey wasn’t the only thing that was stuffed! (dad joke, sorry)

As food was passed around the table we did what I like to call the ‘baseball vendor yell’ which mimics how the vendors at the baseball stadium call out their food… “Sarah, will you pass the cranberry salad” my baseball vendor response: “CRANBERRY SALaaAAAD!!” At one point during the meal, Grady surveyed the table and yelled “Squash casserole takes the lead!!!”

No family gathering is complete without a friendly (read: ferocious) game of Scrabble, so after everything was cleaned up and put away, we decided to start a game

Now don’t let that sweet 80 year-old Granny face holding her Scrabble apron with her grandkids’ names on it fool you… she gets a little sassy when we start beating her.

sometimes she’s a little sweetheart and lets me cheat…

… but this is the sassy face we get from her once our Scrabble games really get going…

Everything was pretty normal until I discovered this play:

Take a look at that sassy Granny face and now imagine it with her eyes bulging from her head and smoke coming from her ears. My Granny is an extremely sweet, traditional, conservative Christian little old lady and we all try to be extremely respectful of her. But as I looked at my letters, “PENIS” was just glaring at me and I couldn’t see anything else. What to do. If I play this, will I be removed from the will??

I decide to consult my opponent via text from across the table. He looks up from his phone… stares me straight in the eyes and says “A THOUSAND DOLLARS. ONE. THOUSAND. DOLLARS”

Needless to say… I played it. I won (duh!) and Granny’s response was: Well it IS a word. Win, win and win.

Let’s take a break from pictures for a minute and read some noteworthy comments/conversations from the weekend:

Grady: Mom – does dad’s voicemail really say “Hi!  This is Jim, Jimmy or James Kimbell…”

Me: *sneeze* Uncle Ray responding to my sneeze: PAPAYA   Aunt Lea: Oh! Jimmy has a papya tree!!

DJ: Get a space helmet and call her Boba Fett The Bargain Hunter

Granny: We need to lock up that unicorn

Aunt Lea (on Black Friday shopping): Jimmy you’ll be so proud of how much I didn’t spend today         Aunt Trisha: Well HE’S the one that goes to get light bulbs and comes out with a refrigerator!

Grady: I mean… I’ll learn taxidermy

Grady:  Bacon tastes good with everything.  Name one item of food that doesn’t taste good with bacon.

…………10 minutes of this conversation…… we all offer up something, Grady denies us (lasagna, cereal, ice-cream, etc etc etc)
Me (out of silence): GRAPE POPSICLES!!!!! Bacon would NOT be good in a Kool-Aid Grape popsicle!!
Grady: I think that’d be fantastic – you just replace the popsicle stick with some crispy bacon!
So the day after Thanksgiving we continued our family time:

Naturally the day after Thanksgiving calls for the day-after-Thanksgiving-sweater, seen above being worn by Aunt Lea

True to any family gathering in Texas, Grady and I looked out the window and saw Kyle and DJ shooting soda cans in a field from the back porch.

Grady and I had a laugh after watching DJ miss a few times and he said “Sarah I bet you could hit that soda can before DJ does.”

Challenge accepted. I NAILED it on my first try ;) I was so surprised I busted out laughing…

The caption contest on Facebook that resulted from this picture almost made me deactivate my account.

If you know anything about Texas you know that when one gun is shown, more will follow. This was no exception. Uncle Jimmy appeared from the master bedroom door with his revolver.

Which then led to Grady pulling out his 40. IT. WAS. LOUD.

The boys let me shoot all the guns, but the fun ended after I shot THIS gun… something about waving it around after the shock of the kickback causing everyone to duck and cover just didn’t go over too well with the guys… whoops.

And no Texas-day-after-Thanksgiving would be complete without stripping the house of the fall decorations and putting up the Christmas decor… (is she not adorable??)

Have I mentioned that my Granny collects apples? They’re eeeevvveeerrryyyywhere. She has a tree painted on one of the walls in the kitchen with all our names on it and it’s become a staple to her kitchen decor. Do you see an apple on there that looks a little small proportionate to the others?

Let’s get a little closer and see who’s that is…

…aaaaaand it’s Grady’s. baaaahahahaha SUCKA!!!

I made sure and point it out to him… he was less than thrilled. He put Granny on the chopping block and we later learned that his apple was lost and this was the best replacement she could find, a poorly painted, tiny apple with his name written in a Bic pen. He recruited me to go on a trip to Hobby Lobby with him while everyone else continued decorating for Christmas.  His goal was for us to create a new apple for him that would outshine all the others…

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!  Take a look at that painted kitchen apple tree NOW!

Let’s not forget puzzle time… where all the women drama is harnessed and released via edge pieces.  Where my dad was always known for stealing a couple pieces so he could be the one that completes the puzzle.

… or the obligatory game of Hearts… where the boys and I use our eyes to make fun of our aunts/granny.

And what family gathering is complete without finding some awkward family photos…

(Please notice my Uncle, letter H, holding up the R in ‘Christmas.’  That’s because he and his wife had just gotten a divorce… but it threw off the ‘Merry Christmas’ so my aunts made him hold up the missing sweatshirt.  Not awkward at all.  Oh and that’s me… #9 sweatshirt btw 😉  I have no idea why my cousins call me ‘the sixth grandson’)
I hope you enjoyed a peek into our family and a true Texas Thanksgiving.  Y’all come back now, ya hear???

One thought on “Meet The Fam: My Texas Thanksgiving

  1. Pingback: Entertaining Texts… Courtesy of Sarah’s iPhone | Can I Get Ur Number?

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