It’s my turn to contribute to The West Coast Chronicles! As you are aware, Ryan and his good friend Mario came for an eight day visit to my new city. Saying that they were ready to bro would be the understatement of a century… at one point Ryan literally walked into my kitchen and said “What’s that noise?? Do you hear that??? I think I hear barking….” huh? barking? **opens the refrigerator door** “Yup! Here it is!!! The brewdogs are ready to come out!!!” I’ve gotten really good at translating bro speak… that meant it was time to drink beer.
Speaking of bro speak, I also learned that ending every sentence in hashtags is funny and cool and a new way to convey sarcasm/emotion. I also learned that in bro speak you are only allotted three topics of conversation: girls, getting drunk, and fantasy football. If you compose a sentence that consists of all three, you win. Thanks bros!
So while I was working all week the boys got to play and drink and go out at night… after all this was their vacation, not mine! #jealous! I was able to take Friday off, so naturally Thursday night we decided to go to Vegas. Ryan did a breakeven analysis of renting a car vs. driving my tank (gotta love us finance nerds) and we found a good deal so we went for it. The rental car place screwed up the reservation and tried to give me this:I could only imagine the hashtags that the bros would come up with if I rolled up in this Stefan Urkel-esque car, so I told the woman behind the rental car desk that it would not do and she ‘upgraded’ me to a Toyota Camry (?). We’ll take it! We got on the road and stopped to pick up my friend SingSong on the way… there was no way I was doing this trip without another girl. Let the five hour drive begin!
Something you should know: the Ludacris and I Love The 90’s Pandora stations are the best stations on all of Pandora.
Something else you should know: Ryan is an incredible DJ.
Something something else else you should know know know (that was monster truck voice #sorrynotsorry): Ryan and I collectively know every single one of the lyrics to 92% of all songs written in the 90’s. Of this, I am proud.
We rolled into Vegas around 11p and were the equivalent of star struck by the beauty of the city. As we parked in the parking garage of our hotel, we passed a group of men with curly black pony tails, wearing thug clothes, bumpin’ music from their cars and working up a dance party with anyone that walked/drove by… could not have had a better ‘Welcome to Vegas’ (could TOTALLY have had a better ‘Welcome to Vegas!’)
Ryan was dubbed to carry our 30-pack of bud light and bottles of liquor through the parking lot, through the hotel lobby and up to our room. As we stood on the elevator, we looked ourselves in our preppy east coast clothes with all the cheap beer and couldn’t help but make fun of ourselves for looking like the beginning of a bad frat party. We might as well have been chanting Toga! Toga! Toga! through the hotel.
A large amount of alcohol was consumed and we left our room at midnight. Let the games begin.
Our night consisted of getting lost. Really really lost. Numerous times. We stopped in and out of bars and casinos for drinks.
We finally posted up at one of the night clubs. SingSong and I immediately headed to the dancefloor where we were groped by lots of foreign men. Ryan and Mario made it to the bar for more drinks. Pretty typical night I’d say! Highlight was definitely making it back to the dancefloor after drinking bottle service from a few new friends and finding Ryan smack dab in the middle by himself jumping up and down with one hand as a fist in the air and the other drinking a beer. Classic Ryan. I took it upon myself to dance with the creepy old Asian man. At one point I’m pretty sure Spiderman shot webs out over the dancefloor….? I even met a guy from small town Mississippi that knew Creed!! Shit gets weird in Vegas.
[Separate] story goes that Ryan decided he wanted to see the VIP area and so he went to a new extreme by telling the bouncer him and SingSong were on their honeymoon…. from what I hear, being a fake VIP is pretty awesome.
Did I mention that Ryan brought a disposable camera with him? It wasn’t weird at all…
The club closed around 4 ((?) I honestly don’t remember) and Mario decided to go home with an extremely [non]attractive woMAN. We cut him loose and headed back to our hotel.
I fully expected to go back and get in bed, but as we were walking into our hotel lobby/casino, the slot machines were calling my name. I let Ryan and SingSong go ahead and decided to post up at the bar for a drink before trying my hand at some slots.
That’s when Mario called. I guess he had sobered up enough to see that woMAN may have in fact been a tranny, went back to the room, saw I was gone and wanted to continue our night in Vegas. Round 2… begin. Ding!
I had never gambled before and Mario is an avid gambler… I mean… the guy has a bookie (whoops). So he taught me how to play Craps and successfully cleaned out all the cash in his wallet (it was kind of a lot :/). We then switched to slots where Mario insisted that grabbing my boobs before running the slot would totally help our odds, and also trying to makeout with me, and also failing miserably at all (boobs, makeout AND slots). He’ll try and tell you differently but he was also the one drinking Jack and Cokes until 8a…
Speaking of 8a… I was starting to get a little tired, but there is a hotel that Mario wanted to see because they share the same name. I couldn’t deny him of this, so I rallied and ventured to find said hotel with him. I would have expected to see a few more walk of shames… instead I was quite literally the ONLY female in a sparkly (hooker dress) on the strip that Saturday morning while most people were getting in their morning jogs. Great.
We eventually found the hotel and Mario made it a point to tell every human in a 100 foot radius that he owned this hotel. It got old fast. I ended up telling him I was about to reach my ‘Mario limit’ and we needed to head back. After getting lost in the Ballagio, Mario continuing to tell strangers about ‘his’ hotel… we finally made it back to the hotel room around 930a and passed out for an hour before checkout time.
At brunch it started becoming very apparent as to why exactly I am single… I am a morning person to the max ((to put it politely) even after having 1 hour of sleep in a 40 hour time frame) and have more energy than eight people combined. Dad jokes were out in full force, terrible (awesome) dance moves to the max… I’ll stop. Maybe Ryan can elaborate on this in a separate post. It’s real[ly, really, really] bad. Ryan’s every popular response to my personality (Whyyyyyyyyyyy) even caught on with SingSong and now she says it too!! Thanks Rydawg.
We (somehow) made it home safe and sound and I sent the boys back to The City! Great guys, great trip, and my apartment has finally recovered from the stench of bro 😉
Sarah, you are quite literally, the ONLY person with whom I would ever take on a Vegas trip.
Ok time for the actual events.
1. I left the club with you, it was after/ in the process of going back that I got seperated
2. I didnt go with the girl cause i didnt think she was attractive depite Ryans opinion that she was
3. We actually killed it at slots but i decided that i was either making back all my money or walking away with nothing (obviously the latter of the two was what happened)
4. I DO own the casino and i just wanted to give the people cleaning the windows a well deserved break
haha love you ❤
The rest of the people in that club were either Asian or Middle Eastern men and I only thought that she was a 1, passable. Also this whole post violates the 11th Commandment “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas'”