The Cable Guy Epic Fail

At the end of the year comes a time of holiday cheer and a time where you realize that the man (Corporate America) is about to rob you of precious vacation time that you forgot to use during the year.  What do you do when you are faced with this situation? You travel to Brooklyn!

One of my first ideas I was considering in this situation was to hit up the girl from the Shonn Greene article because she seemed like she was kind of easy. Hopefully she had regained full dexterity in her thumbs and would be ready to hang out. Unfortunately, she was out of town for the weekend so that had to be put on the back burner (WHY IS THIS GIRL STILL TEXTING MEEEEE).

I arrived in NYC and met up with my friends Ernest and Mandi at a bar downtown ready to start on the weekend.  Their college basketball team was playing that night so many of their friends from the city were meeting up to watch the game at this bar, I was excited to see what I would be working with for the weekend. Unfortunately out of this sample of friends there was only one 1 named Jessica in the group, and she was a super-hipster 1 at that.  I decided I would put her on the back burner and see what her deal was later, I had plenty of time to come back to her (aka weekend Slowplay).  The night ended and we all went back to our respective apartments (I was staying with Ernest, Malone, and Jeremy) and that was the end of that night.

The next day I entertained myself in the city and then went over to Dave’s (from the Affleck story) apartment to drink some Rolling Rocks with him and Reese and play FIFA (standard). They were going to a sake bar early in the night and wanted to meet up afterwards. We planned to reconvene at a bar downtown later that night and went our separate ways for a while so we could all get ready.

Sidenote: Unlimited sake means that you will not see your friends later that night. Their phones will die and they will pass out, every time.

Without the company of Dave and Reese I went to a cool hipster bar with Ernest, Malone, and Jeremy in the Lower East Side. The bar we were at was super hip, cash only bar, Miller High Lifes and SKEE-BALL IN THE BAR. Pretty incredible. I quickly found out that betting girls that you are better than them at Skee-Ball is a great way to start a conversation and ended up starting a bunch of conversations with cool girls. I also invented a term called Send in a Drone which is done when you send in another person to talk to a girl only to get a sense of whether she is single or looking to talk to guys (similar to a Ricky Davis but much more innocent) but by the end of the night I was hipster girl-less, drunk, and ready to go home.  Letdown City.

Skee-ball + alcohol = Incredible

Saturday was my last full day in NYC before I had to head home, and I was determined to end the weekend with a win.  Ernest, Malone, and I ended up walking around the city and checking out a bunch of tourist sites. Before we went back to their apartment, Ernest, Malone and I stopped by at Mandi’s apartment to see what she was up to that night. Conveniently, Mandi lives with Jessica so I was able to have this double as a knowledge-gathering trip for that night. Low and behold we show up and Jessica and a guy walk out of her room to the living room (boyfriend? New  friend? Is this girl a sloot?) and talk with us. The guy was a huge square and was headed off to some terrible concert. He made the situation hilarious by saying “sometimes I don’t know when it’s time for me to leave.” Yeah bro, its 6PM. If you didn’t realize that you should have left at least 6 hours ago then you are a moron.

Along the way back to Ernest’s apartment I am rewarded with a wealth of knowledge that helps me understand my game plan for the night.

  1. The random guy is not dating/a steady hookup with Jessica.
  2. Malone hooked up with Jessica for a year but ruined it and she now hates him.
  3. She was probably one of the friendliest (read easiest) girls that would be there tonight.

Andddd sold! I’d be trying to hook up with her that night.

Thanks to the magic of the Internet I can lie and say she looked like this

We returned to Mandi’s house later on that evening for a power hour (these kids are pretty college) and the whole time I could notice Jessica peeking at me out of the corner of her eyes. My competition was a bunch of long time friends (Ernest, Jeremy, etc.) a few gay dudes and a few burnt bridges (sorry Malone). I started talking to her then and giving her shit for not drinking for every minute of the power hour (I love peer pressure) and we instantly hit it off.

A few hours later her and I are walking from a house party to a nearby bar and I realize that  a. I’m stupefyingly drunk and b. I’ve been talking to Jessica for about an hour. Things are looking good. At the bar I ended up getting a huge assist from Malone because he was clearly going to hook up with a girl that was with us. Basically jealousy of this led her to continue talking to me and Mumford & Sons’ new album led both of us back to her apartment. Awesome.

Thanks for the assist, guys

In the morning we wake up and I seem to think I’ve fallen asleep in a closet. This girls room is legitimately 6 x 10 feet (gotta love NYC living!), 450 degrees, and smells like sweat (gross). Who cares, I’m leaving for my home city in 5 hours time to finish what I came to do.

Things are quickly moving from “asleep” towards “very friendly” when all of a sudden there’s a knock at the door. WTF. What could someone possibly want from this girl at 10AM on a Sunday.

Mandi: Hey Jessica are you up?

Jessica: (running to get clothes on) Yeah, what’s up?

Mandi: The cable guys are here, they need to get into your room.


I have so many issues with this including how they were able to get cable guys to come on a Sunday, why the cable box was in her closet-sized bedroom, and why didn’t she know about this.

Jessica: Okay I’ll be right out! (to me) I’m going to run to the bathroom real quick.


I get out of the bedroom and there are two dudes in orange outfits there to fix the cable. Is this real life? Apparently in a fit of joy I kicked off my boots in the kitchen so I went in there to throw them back on and peace the f out of there as soon as possible. Then Jessica came out of the bathroom:

Jessica: I just puked a little, wasn’t feeling well. (exclamation point on my need to exit)

Ryan: Oh, sorry to hear that. Well, I’ve gotta get out of here but I’ll talk to you soon.

I had no choice but to run for the hills before I was forced to hold this girl’s hair while she puked. Sounds asshole-ish but I have a bus to catch lady, sorry.  Alas, my quest for hipsters continues…

One thought on “The Cable Guy Epic Fail

  1. Pingback: Dating: Rules of Initiation for Dudes | Can I Get Ur Number?

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