Apologies for the unintentional delay there… for those of you just joining I was on my way to reunite with my childhood love and on my LAYOVER he informed me he had a girlfriend (click here to get caught up)
I touched down, deplaned (still a little tipsy) and waited for Drew………..’s girlfriend at the arrivals curb. A car slowed down as it approached me, lo and behold there was Drew in the passenger seat. Drunk off his ass, but present nonetheless. Everything in me wanted to be so mad at him, but as soon as he got out of the car I completely forgot all the rules and ran and jumped up into his arms for the hug of a lifetime. He spun me around and immediately we were goofing around like we always had.
Ok ok, that was harsh… realistically it was more like this…
I played it off really well and gave her a big hug (wtf, self?!) and the next words out of her mouth were “I’m so glad to meet you – Drew’s told me so much about you!” The irony. My response to her
was should have been “Funny – I didn’t know you existed until an hour ago.” Instead I did the more normal thing… smiled politely and thanked her for coming to get me.
We headed to a bar to meet up with some of Drew’s friends. I ordered three drinks (terrible ‘friend zone’ habit) only to turn around and see Drew had abandoned us and was across the bar joking around with four gorgeous blondes.
I handed Ellen a drink, cheers’d her, and for some reason she found this as a prime opportunity to ask “… Is Drew a good guy?” Question of the century. I looked at Drew, looked down at the drink I ordered for him, thought of the asshole thing he had just done to me/her, looked back at Ellen and responded “Well… he’s the greatest douchebag I’ve ever known.” An entirely true statement for her to do with as she pleased.
Truth be told, Ellen wasn’t all that bad… buuuuuuuuut it didn’t take long for me to find her catch. She was obsessed with Disney…. as in…. we went to her apartment and EVERYTHING was Disney. Kitchen, livingroom, bedroom, water color paintings that she painted (?) EVERYTHING. A little creepy if you ask me… but Drew seemed into it (?).
I did some Facebook stalking for you readers today and found this….
I can’t totally hate because I did get some benefit from it… she worked at Disneyworld (I’m telling you… obsessed) and gave Drew and I free passes to go while she was working so
we could entertain ourselves (in a public, G-setting) she could stalk us.
Drew and I walked into the park Saturday morning and there she was to greet us, as Pluto.
Can I go ahead and reiterate?? Drew was dating a girl that dresses up as Pluto for a living rather than me. FFFFMMMLLLLLL
“Pluto” proceeded to joke around with me by patting my head, messing up my hair, standing behind me and making fun of me, getting little kids to laugh at me… you know, the normal things those Disney characters do.. except this bitch meant war. GAME ON, BIATCH… I walked up to Pluto and was about to ruin the lives of all the children around me by ripping that Pluto head off and exposing who Pluto really was until real life interrupted my fantasies “Oh sorry, you two want a picture together? No problem… I’ll take it for you.”
I spent the rest of the day at Disneyworld being pushed around in a wheelchair that Drew convinced me to get into so we could cut to the front of the line for the rides. Reread that sentence please… maybe two or three times.
Oh and let’s not forget Pluto popping out of no where waving at us THE. ENTIRE. DAY.
I somehow managed to survive my day at Disneyworld and Drew had plans for us to go out to a country/line dancing bar that night. It was a $10 cover and all you can drink once you got inside. Doubtful the bar would have had that special if they had known the kind of weekend I was having. Now I’m not much of a line dancer but ten Bud Lights in and you better believe I was the star of that dance floor.
Guys were approaching me left and right (thank you bar gods!!!) and Drew was getting jealous. Between smooches with
Pluto Ellen he made sure to cockblock me by telling the guys that he was my twin brother and no one was allowed to talk to me……
I used the four minutes Drew spent in the bathroom to make my move… he came back and I was dancing with a group of extremely gorgeous helicopter pilots. What now, DREW?! We left soon after, but not before one of the guys gave me his number and offered to take me on a sunrise helicopter tour of the coast…. swoon! I’ll take it! We texted the remainder of the night and confirmed plans the next day. I told Drew about the plans… he had a heart to heart with me about how he was kind of offended that I would even accept the offer… he thought I was there to visit him.
I THOUGHT SO TOO, DREW
In true doormat fashion I called off the plans… after all, didn’t want to offend Drew (I loathe my old self) and left Florida.
I came home to quite the welcome party… my roommates and the Fairy Godboys (thank you Polly for the greatest term ever) were dying to know how the weekend went and if I had my chance to finally conquer my Drew challenge. I told them the whole story and there was silence. And laughter. And doubt that I was telling the truth. UNTIL!
A few days later got a hand sketched card from Pluto in the mail telling me how great it was to meet me and that I am welcome back anytime.
Nail. In. Coffin.
The Fairy Godboys thought it was so funny that they hung the card on their fridge and told alllllllll their friends the hilarious story of the thing that happened to the downstairs neighborgirl. I’ll just go die now.
Funny story… that wasn’t the last of that hot helicopter pilot…. but that’s a story for another day.