After the hangover started to subside and I could start to lift things with my left arm (still no idea what I did to my shoulder while blackout) a little reminder of what had happened the previous day came in the form of two text messages
“So no dinner date Wednesday lol”
“Is it because I am Italian”
Good lord woman, I just met you sixteen hours ago and you are already harassing me? I gave her the old “you’re getting a response when I’m good and ready” trick and decided not to text her for a few hours.
Sidenote: I hate this move so much and I know that many of you ladies out there use it quite often! It’s called being a hypocrite.
I finally texted her back later in the day and we made plans to go out and grab drinks in the city later that week. Here goes nothing.
For the entirety of the week we texted back and forth about random things like work and sports. Apparently she had to travel quite a bit for work and it was taking a toll on her personal relationships. She told me this and many other tales that no one should EVER text someone that is a complete stranger. I was starting to get a little nervous for what she would be like on our date.
I got a little more nervous when I found out that she had a coworker stalk me on LinkedIn (yes, you can check that) and when I discovered her Facebook profile after some extensive Facebook Sleuthing. She appeared to be a 1 but you can’t put any stock in Facebook profile pictures because apparently every 20-something girl is a Photoshop whiz that can magically create glamor photos from seemingly terrible pictures. I digress.
Date night.
I put on my best dress shirt (or the first shirt that I grabbed in my closet) and set off to the bar. Casually late, five minutes late was the goal. Thanks to the shortcomings of this city’s public transportation I ended up showing up ten minutes early.
Sidenote: Whenever you want to be early it makes you late. Whenever you want to be late it brings you there early. White People Problems.
I killed some time by walking around the block a couple times (like a crazy person) and then went inside.
Sidenote: Wasn’t really glass half full or half empty. There was some water in the glass and I was skeptical that it was going to rape me.
Things started off well, the bar served alcohol. Justine was posted up at a bar and I grabbed the seat next to her and confirmed that she was a 1. Okay glass half full now.
Justine was a very open girl and proceeded to tell me her life story while I sat, listened, and took sips that gradually became larger and larger. This girl was quite the storyteller and was basically acting like we were already dating in the worst way possible:
“So you like baseball? I don’t really like the sport but I like going to the games. I can’t watch it if I’m not there. We should totally go to a game though!”
***big sip***
“Did you hear about that new burger joint that opened up? It’s right near my apartment! You and I should grab dinner there this week!”
***bigger sip***
“I really like where this is going, I feel a great connection with you!”
***basically chugging***
“I don’t careeeee”
After the second strong beer (in addition to the couple I had before the date) I started to realize that this girl was a complete psychopath and that I shouldn’t take her seriously. This also might have been due to her next story:
“So we were on a family trip in a small Asian country when the plane in front of me crashed. They were just speaking their foreign language and didn’t tell anyone on my plane.”
Lovely this time of year, minus the plane crashes
Why the hell would you tell that story on a first date? First dates are meant to get a feel out for the other person and see if you’d like to go on a second date for them. They are not meant to complain about your roommate’s boyfriend and your job.
After three beers I told her I needed to get home because I had a tough day ahead of me tomorrow (not true) and started walking out to the door when we had one of my favorite conversations.
Justine: So what are you up to this weekend? I had a lot of fun at that bar where I met you, do you want to go back? I’m in the mood to drink a lot this weekend!
Ryan: Uh, actually I think I’m going to just lay low this weekend, really went all out last weekend and need to rest up.
J: Oh that’s okay, I love laying low! Let’s catch a movie or something that would be a lot of fun!
R: Yeahhhh maybe let’s talk closer to the weekend.
No goodnight kiss. No returning your text messages ever again. Hasta la vista.
Basically sums it up
Can I Get Ur Number? 